Groucho Marx
I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.