Know Your Josh
Everyone is crazy in some ways. But some of us are crazier than others.
The way I figure it, when it comes to neuroses, you have two options: You can confront your neuroses, embarking on a painful and time-consuming journey of self-discovery and enforced self-improvement, or you can just avoid your neuroses and warn your friends so they don't accidently trip over them. If the relative effort involved weren't enough to decide on a path, as far as I can tell avoidance is actually more effective than improvement.
(This, of course, is precisely my theory of maturity too: That none of us actually grow up, we just don't have to go to high school, live in dorms, or live with our parents any more.)
Besides, the way I figure it, all of my friends already know that I'm crazy. The only thing is, now they'll know the specifics.
So, this is who I am. Consider yourself warned.
I'm Stupidly Honest
I'm getting a little bit better at this, but I still have this awful tendency to tell people exactly what I think. I don't do this because I'm obnoxious, or arrogant, but because it just doesn't occur to me that the things I say are going to piss people off. And that's probably because...
I Need to Know
I hate not knowing what other people are thinking. I am totally compulsive on this score. Sometimes this actually works out — I get along really well with people who are "sadistically straightforward" with me (hi mom! hi Joel! hi di Enno! :)) — but most of the time it makes me react in ways that are very strange:
- I don't mind rejection when I ask someone out, but I hate, hate hate hate hate (!) not knowing whether someone likes me or not. This means that I hate being "let down easy," because it leaves me wondering whether the person just doesn't like me, or is actually busy/out of town/(insert excuse here). But I'm totally fine if someone just tells me they're not interested, because that I find that very understandable.
- I care much if people can't make it when I invite them to do things, but it drives me nuts not to know whether they're going to come. I actually often prefer finding out that my friends can't make it to a party than I do waiting to find out that they can come.
- I'd rather know that I've lost something, so I can just go replace it, than have to spend a week wondering where it is before finding it.
Like I said, I'm compulsive. Tension release is much more certain when I can stop being compulsive because I have failed than when I wait for success. Of course, an important reason that I can put up with personal rejection better than uncertainty is because...
I Don't Mind Being Alone
I'm not a total introvert — I am very outgoing and social in certain situations — but I don't have much of a drive to hang out with people. Most of the time, given a choice, I'd rather stay in and read or play guitar than I would go meet up with someone. In high school, I couldn't figure out how everyone was always going over to friend's houses to hang out. I just didn't have anything I wanted to do with my friends most of the time, or anything I wanted to talk to them about. It wasn't until I got to college that I realized that most people just prefer doing nothing with someone else around to doing nothing by themselves. But I am the opposite.
The gist of this is, of course, that if I rarely call to hang out, it's not because I don't like you. It just doesn't occur to me. Call me and I'll normally come hang out, because I'm self-aware enough to realize that I normally have a good time when I go hang out, even if I'm not self-aware enough to actually initiate the hanging out.
But if you do want to hang out, you should know...
I Hate Large Groups
I think there's a number of reasons that explain my aversion to large groups, but whatever the cause, I get really cranky when I have to interact with more than 4 or 5 people. Which is not to say that I don't like parties. I love parties where my close 4 or 5 friends can hang out anonymously in a larger crowd. But I can go nuts at smaller parties where I have to talk to 15-20 people.
Anyway, there you have it. If you're still willing to talk to me after you've read this, you're obviously a true friend. Or, a psychology graduate student working on a case study.